Some things I’ve learned about myself

The past three years have been among the most challenging I’ve experienced in my life time.

This time, unlike the challenging times that came before, I’m amazed at how I’ve been able to be myself through it all. The challenges have accelerated my own faith and learning journey. In the process here are some things I’ve learned about myself.

I’m a contrarian thinker…

The language “contrarian” doesn’t resonate with me, because I don’t aspire to be contrarian. But let’s be honest, there is a lot about the world that is in disharmony with itself—so I’m always asking myself “what is everyone missing?” Or what foundational wisdom, can I use to aid this perspective.

This approach, regularly leads me to uncommon perspectives. I don’t take pride in being original, or contrarian. But I can’t be anyone but myself, and that’s good enough for me.

At my worst: When I find a common perspective as not just different but dangerous, but I don’t have a strong grasp of my own perspective, I can enter a cycle of frustration. Unable to express just what I believe, I’m only connected with the frustration at a dangerous idea taking hold.

Unable in good conscience to follow this perspective; I isolate myself often from groups I care about dearly.

At my best: I understand and acknowledge that dangerous ideas will spread, and that doesn’t mean the people who spread them are dangerous or bad people. They just experience life through a different lens. Part of the journey is riding the wave and aligning yourself on the long arc of what’s right.

but I’m not a contrarian personality.

While my thoughts and approaches often put me in contrast with the zeitgeist, my nature isn’t argumentative. It’s just in contrast. I don’t think the people I disagree with are fools, or an enemy. They are often friends, colleagues and they are all fellow travelers on this road called life.

This dichotomy of contrarian thoughts, while being non-contrarian, made writing from my own “voice” a challenge. When I haven’t written in a while and I put thoughts to paper my first perspective is often “against” something. And when I read it back, it feels off to me.

Because what I’m against is just the seed of the idea speaking to me asking me to explore further.

I’m happy-go-lucky

This was a surprise for me.

I should have known this was true. Every time I solicit feedback from a photoshoot—and ask which people prefer, while I prefer the photos where I’m not smiling. Everyone close to me says the ones where I’m smiling—grinning best reflect me.

I haven’t always been able to hold onto happiness. More specifically, I’ve only allowed myself to experience happiness when all things are well.

In the process, I successfully ensured I wasn’t happy for long stretches of time. But just the other day, a hard day, I caught myself making up a game—enjoying the moment with my daughter. As she rolled her eyes (eleven 🙂 ) I realized—I’m a happy guy.

Happiness isn’t uncommon for me anymore, it’s my resting state.

… and I can be stoic, reflective

There are times when I have feelings, that I haven’t been able to process, or that are screaming loud at me that I know are fleeting, or inappropriate to act on at that time.

During these times, I practice mindfulness and reflective. I’m very actively neutral.

It’s taken me some time but with coaching I’ve realized that the delta—of regular happiness, to active neutrality can be surprising or jarring for people around me. I’ve tried to communicate that these are normal. And with time they’ll be fewer.

But the stoicism and reflective time, is as a part of me as my default nature of happiness.

I’m a writer…

I don’t know, truly know, what I’m thinking until I try to express it with words. I don’t have a hold on it, until I’ve written about it extensively.

and a didactic (student).

Writing is a part of my didactic process, professionally it synthesizes what I’ve learned. Personally, it synthesizes what I’ve learned about myself.

I enjoy lending my experience and perspective (teaching).

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of teaching, due to my own discomfort with power. But I definitely enjoy lending my experience and perspective where ever it is welcomed and valued.

I write first for an audience of one—but with the belief that if I help or impact an audience of one more, it is all worth it.

I once wrote an internal book, during my time at Microsoft. Everyone I spoke to said “no one reads books, you should create a deck.” What I told them, is I wasn’t looking to influence a lot of people a little. I was looking to influence a future reader a lot.

I find discipline through abstaining relatively effortless…

When I need to stop doing something, I can stop taking an action pretty well.

while discipline through routine is less so.

When it comes to starting a new routine or action, I can and do improve, but this form of discipline doesn’t come with the same effortless ease.

I care deeply about: myself, my family, my friends, my communities, and the world

I’m a big believer in people, in aggregate, and in the specific.

I don’t believe our stories are done until our final breath and even then…

I’m a man of faith…

There is a lot of rationale, including the implausibility of Biblical events to not subscribe to Christian doctrine or faith. And yet I do. (It’s important to note it’s a prerequisite for my church home is that it is LGBTQ+ friendly—for one the Bible is a religious artifact, of stories written, collected and translated by people expressing their own beliefs not an infallible record.)

Not because it makes sense to me, but because I don’t have enough hubris to believe the right answer would make sense to me.

Part of this is my optimism, that even for those who have passed, and done a lot of wrong.

I don’t believe the story is done with them either.

Oh but there is a lot of road to go.

… and what a great journey this is.

“… no time can be easy if one is living through it” —James Baldwin